No: The Man Who Opens Beer With CDs

I started this blog as a non-subject-specific beast, so I feel more justified in posting about this WTF. I was minding my own business, searching the ever-deteriorating internet when this video, which was completely unrelated to my search, appeared in my search results, as such YouTube videos are wont to do. Unlike the others, which my brain automatically filters – approximately 90% of the internet – this was one escaped auto-censorship. The strange compulsion which lead me to click on this video will always remain a mystery to me. I know it was not disbelief, for I have absolute and unshakeable faith in the general stupidity-driven invention of humanity as a whole, so perhaps it was simple curiosity regarding the individual behind this clearly invaluable and life-altering tutorial. So, without further ado, I present to you, for your enlightenment, “How to Open a Beer Bottle with a CD” starring Crazy Eastern European Guy:

Very enlightening. Our friend here has discovered the most amazing, unbelievable, earth-shattering, astounding way to waste yet another few precious moments of an average human lifespan mastering this technique. Congratulations guy, you’ve officially made the shittiest discovery since Kopi Luwak (for those too lazy to read Wikipedia, it’s coffee made from civet faeces). Not only that, but it’s not even original. Everyone knows how to open a beer with a knife blade, a ruler, or any other flat object. This is not even a better mousetrap, it’s just the same one in a different colour. Furthermore – and I know I sound a little like Maddox in his rant over “Life Hacks” here – it’s impractical. If you don’t have a bottle opener, a knife, or another flat object, you’re probably not at home. If you’re not at home, you probably don’t have a CD with you because people don’t generally walk around with a CD in their pockets for emergencies because, to most people, a CD is not a Swiss Army Knife. It’s far more likely that you have a set of keys or a pocket knife on your person. Finally – and this is worth pointing out – using a CD to open a bottle could seriously damage it. The sharp bits on the bottle cap could chip the CD or, should you miss slightly, gouge a trench across the surface. So, unless it’s that Abba album your mother left at your place last time she visited, you know, the one you were planning to ritualistically burn and deny all knowledge of later, I’d suggest you don’t use a CD, or any optical disc for that matter, to open your beer. In fact here’s a piece of advice: go to eBay (or wherever you shop online) and order a keyring with a bottle opener. Then you can finally stop carrying that emergency blank CD around every time you get invited to a party.

Update: I’ve been informed that apparently this guy shouldn’t be taken too seriously because he does all kinds of weird things on his channel (I can’t be bothered watching them to confirm this). Well, that doesn’t really change where I stand on the matter: using a CD to open a beer is still neither original, nor funny, it’s just plain stupid. Also, while I’m at it, I’d like to remind the single-digit number of readers out there that most of what I write is satirical in nature, including this post. You can generally tell the context of something by the tone it’s written in.

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