No: The Internet Poet is the Modern T.S. Eliot

I found only small islands of sanity containing the tiniest rustic villages of sanity during my travels across the vast World Web, a bottomless ocean of meaningless abbreviations, misspelled words, grammar errors, missing punctuation, and, my favourite, people who have the audacity to call themselves modern poets. I shan’t mention names, but I regularly visit a particular blog of a particular ex of a particular friend of mine for the soul purpose of a few laughs. I’m not naming names but the person is question seems to draw a large amount of inspiration from the likes of T.S. Eliot, be it coincidence or design. To clarify: this is not a good thing.

A couple of years back, I was feeling inspired by the LSD-driven depravity that would-be internet poets were spewing out en mass so I wrote this:


My Cloud
By J. McMaster

Upon a cloud I gaily strode, wind upon my side
Flowers flying, wind laughing, little pigs that cried
Oh the spark-less fire warmed me by the cider stand
And ever did I lie and watch as the flowers did land

Oh petals pumpkin, gore and oil, juxtaposed they be
Like liking learning little laws, literally “losslessly”
And finally the post comes in, roosting upon my cake
Getting up, I climb the cheese, to get to Cola lake

Up the moon, down the moon, round the corner and into my shack
Up the chair, down the curtain, round the bench, come into my shack
Up the moon, down the moon, round the corner and into my shack
Up the chair, down the curtain, round the bench, come into my shack

Poor nightingale who growls a song, in pure tin-metal lust
While Other World keeps painting all, in decay, blood and rust
My eyes are open but I cannot smell, the vegetables of harvests-past
And oh the tragic lingering cabbage, a flavour which shall not last

Now wonder the tepid all alone, we have no hot-cold here
Go back to the goat and get a shoe, for shoes are what “they” fear
Another consequence of my delight, a mothball in my coke
“Yuck!” caws the lamb as she shudders in fright, at my horrid little joke

Up the moon, down the moon, round the corner and into my shack
Up the chair, down the curtain, round the bench, come into my shack
Up the moon, down the moon, round the corner and into my shack
Up the chair, down the curtain, round the bench, come into my shack

Oh the moon is bland, hand me the sour, and we’ll all drink a cup of grey
And we’ll wearily run and climb and prance, as we wind down another day
Oh I see it coming, make no mistake, blue and green are in
But gaze upon the grazing cows, and you’ll be punished for your sin

So from my cloud I seek to rest, and to hell with this poem now
I’ve had enough, I cannot go on, by any means or how
So I finish here with little else, a word just left to say
That I’ve gone sane, it isn’t, I cannot live this way.


For the oblivious, this is satirical. I was almost tempted not to mention it being so, simply to see how many “deep” thinkers out there “totally understood” what I was trying to say regarding the human condition and the plight of our cultural and religious conflict. Then I decided I’d have too many comments to wade through and too many users Weirdo_BlueStalker following, and subsequently stalking, me. As always, your thoughts, comments, accolades, death threats, criticisms, and rants are welcome.

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Sing-Along: The Twelve Days of Christmas

I dug this up a little while ago, something I threw together and posted on a forum a few years back around Christmas time. It was a mock set of lyrics for The Twelve Days of Christmas carol. It’s a little early for carols and the lyrics require a fair knowledge of geekdom and internet culture to fully appreciate, but I thought I’d share it nonetheless. I wrote it in American, which means that the letter zed is pronounced, “zee.”


My Twelve Days of Christmas
by J. McMaster

On the first day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Some software in a gz

On the second day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the third day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the fourth day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the fifth day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the sixth day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Six Lil’ Ponies
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the seventh day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Seven Peers a Seeding
Six Lil’ Ponies
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the eighth day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Eight Servers Crashing
Seven Peers a Seeding
Six Lil’ Ponies
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the ninth day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Nine Pirate Songs
Eight Servers Crashing
Seven Peers a Seeding
Six Lil’ Ponies
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the tenth day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Ten Google Ads
Nine Pirate Songs
Eight Servers Crashing
Seven Peers a Seeding
Six Lil’ Ponies
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the eleventh day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Eleven Bloggers Ranting
Ten Google Ads
Nine Pirate Songs
Eight Servers Crashing
Seven Peers a Seeding
Six Lil’ Ponies
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz

On the twelth day of Christmas
the world web sent to me:
Twelve Pointless Tweets
Eleven Bloggers Ranting
Ten Google Ads
Nine Pirate Songs
Eight Servers Crashing
Seven Peers a Seeding
Six Lil’ Ponies
Five Free Games
Four Four-Oh-Fours
Three Locked Threads
Two Lolcat pics
and some software in a gz


Extra points if you read through the entire thing without skipping to the last verse like any sane person would do. As usual, feel free to share your thoughts, love and hatred with me below.

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No: The Man Who Opens Beer With CDs

I started this blog as a non-subject-specific beast, so I feel more justified in posting about this WTF. I was minding my own business, searching the ever-deteriorating internet when this video, which was completely unrelated to my search, appeared in my search results, as such YouTube videos are wont to do. Unlike the others, which my brain automatically filters – approximately 90% of the internet – this was one escaped auto-censorship. The strange compulsion which lead me to click on this video will always remain a mystery to me. I know it was not disbelief, for I have absolute and unshakeable faith in the general stupidity-driven invention of humanity as a whole, so perhaps it was simple curiosity regarding the individual behind this clearly invaluable and life-altering tutorial. So, without further ado, I present to you, for your enlightenment, “How to Open a Beer Bottle with a CD” starring Crazy Eastern European Guy:

Very enlightening. Our friend here has discovered the most amazing, unbelievable, earth-shattering, astounding way to waste yet another few precious moments of an average human lifespan mastering this technique. Congratulations guy, you’ve officially made the shittiest discovery since Kopi Luwak (for those too lazy to read Wikipedia, it’s coffee made from civet faeces). Not only that, but it’s not even original. Everyone knows how to open a beer with a knife blade, a ruler, or any other flat object. This is not even a better mousetrap, it’s just the same one in a different colour. Furthermore – and I know I sound a little like Maddox in his rant over “Life Hacks” here – it’s impractical. If you don’t have a bottle opener, a knife, or another flat object, you’re probably not at home. If you’re not at home, you probably don’t have a CD with you because people don’t generally walk around with a CD in their pockets for emergencies because, to most people, a CD is not a Swiss Army Knife. It’s far more likely that you have a set of keys or a pocket knife on your person. Finally – and this is worth pointing out – using a CD to open a bottle could seriously damage it. The sharp bits on the bottle cap could chip the CD or, should you miss slightly, gouge a trench across the surface. So, unless it’s that Abba album your mother left at your place last time she visited, you know, the one you were planning to ritualistically burn and deny all knowledge of later, I’d suggest you don’t use a CD, or any optical disc for that matter, to open your beer. In fact here’s a piece of advice: go to eBay (or wherever you shop online) and order a keyring with a bottle opener. Then you can finally stop carrying that emergency blank CD around every time you get invited to a party.

Update: I’ve been informed that apparently this guy shouldn’t be taken too seriously because he does all kinds of weird things on his channel (I can’t be bothered watching them to confirm this). Well, that doesn’t really change where I stand on the matter: using a CD to open a beer is still neither original, nor funny, it’s just plain stupid. Also, while I’m at it, I’d like to remind the single-digit number of readers out there that most of what I write is satirical in nature, including this post. You can generally tell the context of something by the tone it’s written in.

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Mednafen: Dealing with CD Image Problems

This post assumes the following:

*. You’re running a Linux OS environment
*. You can install software
*. You’re not afraid of spending about two minutes in front of the CLI.
*. You’re having some sort of problem running a CD image. This post is specific to PlayStation games but it’s probably applicable to any other CD-based consoles too.
*. You’re a Mednafen user of any level (novice to expert).

Before we proceed with the real troubleshooting, it is important to note that with Mednafen, one does not open the actual image file. To play a game, you’ll need to open the accompanying cue sheet (a .cue file). So, firstly, make sure of the following:

*. You’re opening the accompanying .cue file, not the .bin or other image file

So, having gotten that out of the way, now we can actually start troubleshooting. The following is a list of common problems:

*. I have a .mdf and .mds file
*. I have no .cue file.
*. I only have a .iso file.
*. I only have a .bin file.
*. I have some other format that doesn’t work

To proceed, you need to install mdf2iso. If you don’t know how to, see your distribution’s documentation or glean this table (the Arch Wiki is one of the best information sources, even for non-Arch users). So:

*. Install mdf2iso. Read the man page too (yeah right).
*. Open the CLI in the same directory as your problem CD image. For this example, our game is called Example.

Now, back to the problems. Below are all your solutions in Q & A format:

Q: My file is Example.mdf
A: That’s what this was originally about. Issue the following command:
$ mdf2iso --cue Example.mdf
Short wait. A .cue file will be created. You do not need to convert the image, but simply generate the cue sheet. Open Example.iso.cue and play.

Q: My file is Example.iso
A1: Issue the following command:
$ mdf2iso --cue Example.iso
Somewhat of a wait. A .bin file and an accompanying cue sheet called Example.iso.bin and Example.iso.cue respectively will be generated from your ISO file. Open Example.iso.cue and play.

Q: I have some other format Mednafen won’t play
A: Try the procedure. If it works you’ll get one of the above results.

Q: I only have a .bin file
A: This is unlikely if you ripped it yourself (implicit accusation unto illegitimate dealings). Luckily there’s a an archive at redump.org that will likely have the cue sheet you need. You can select your system from the Discs menu. This is not intended to enable you if you obtained a rip illegally.

If mdf2iso does not work for you, don’t panic. There are many conversion tools out there and the easiest and safest way to find them is to search for the image’s format (usually indicated by the file extension) in your package manager’s database. You should find some tools, even if all they do is mount the image (note mounting the image should be a last resort and won’t be discussed further as it is outside the scope of this post).

If you found this post useful then please like it, tweet it, or whatever. Questions, queries and feedback welcome, simply leave a comment.

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